The teenager and the whale

Parenting the not-to-neurotypical teen is a tsunami. 

One moment you are floating in a calm ocean of peacefulness, the next surfing a giant wave or stranded on a beach with your surfboard wondering where the water went, only to get hit by an avalanche of turbulent emotions that churn up every single cord in your heart and leave you - after the water moves on - wrapped in cords that look like old skanky fishing line, seaweed between your teeth, fish scales dotting your skin like shimmering glitter bombs and a general feeling of mal de mer under a happy smiling sky. 

What the ....

A small case in point. Teen 1 has a job offer that requires some job shadowing. Here is the email that triggered yesterday's crisis: 

We are happy to inform you that your application to become a xxx with us has been successful!

The process of becoming a xxx with us is as follows; 

1) Complete the xx indemnity and xxx information sheet and send these back to me via email. Here is the link for the indemnity:  ___

Then I have attached the information form, please complete this as well. Finally, we will also need a copy of your ID/passport for our records. A picture of the document will suffice. 

2) You will need to complete one shadow shift. This is a full day shift to get an understanding of what our processes are and how they work. This has to be completed on a weekend day so please send me a WhatsApp message and let me know which dates you would be available to complete this shift. 

 

3) Complete 3 shadow lessons, these will be scheduled via WhatsApp.  

4) Attend our Coaching course: I will inform you when we plan the next one. 

Please let me know if you have any further questions! 

So, that's not too hard, right? Forms, ID, shadow shift (date already sorted),  three shadow lessons and a coaching course. Nothing to worry about there. 

I had to help fill in the forms and send the id. The online form we did together. But sending the WhatsApp triggered something and oh my flipping gosh. How hard is it to send dates available? 

First round of excuses:  I haven't had breakfast, I haven't had lunch, I'll chat to him after my first shift, I'll send it later. 

Then: Back off, you're annoying me, you're being a pain, it's my life, I'll do it when I am ready (while watching another movie on her movie website and chatting to her friends for hours)

Me: This is like an exam paper. You need to follow the instructions closely. You get a certain amount of time to do this. You have to send a WA. Not an email, not talk to him.

Teen: I can't just send him a WA. I'll just discuss it at my first shift like "hey, what do ... blah blah."

Me: Nope. WhatsApp. It's clear what he wants. Do it as asked. You are in the real world and this is how an employer works. They ask, you do it their way. 

Teen: You don't know anything.

Me (Gen X or Z or whatever - arghghghghgh): Yes Child I Love, this is how it goes. You need to do this now as we drive to purchase equipment for you for this job. Don't make him wait to hear from you. 

Stormy silence. Grumpiness. The feel of electricity in the air before a thunderstorm explodes and zaps you. While navigating my way to Ottery in unfamiliar Cape Flats suburbs.

Me: You know, you make me feel like Jonah a lot. 

Teen: Huh. 

Me: Some days I am swallowed by your emotions, other days spat up on a beach, then I need surf booties to keep my balance on the whale and other days its 3 days underwater in the dark. With smelly fish in my hair.

Muffled snicker from teen.

Me: Right? It's kind of a rollercoaster at time. 

Teen starts to laugh; Yes, it is.

Finally calm is sort of restored. And then the lovely guy from the equipment shop treated her like gold and gave her a whopping discount, knew some of the girls in her class and we walked out on a high. 

Beautiful calm blue seas again. Yoh. Ek se. I love this child fiercely but I definitely need a crash helmet, sticky boots to keep my balance and perhaps a fistful of snacks to tide me over in the belly of whatever whale gulps me up.